last color

I’m resigning from
my position as mud
I remember the greener
grass and warmer
sunny day fondly

walking through the old
brick paved
paths that no longer
exist
be a summer that
no one enjoys

I don’t feel like I’m living
the whole day
it’s sunset now

but i want to feel it all
I want to remember every chirp
and color
but i’m staring at a bruise on
my hand
making sure that my resentment
doesn’t show through
I’m waking up late
and making pancakes for myself

I’m thinking of the next thing
I’m thinking of being here
I need to be here
I’m tugging my new dogs
collar to train him to walk
politely by my side

I’m pretending to not
be overwhelmed by the
lack of intimacy
with my partner
pretending to be ok with
being so close to someone
but also farther away then
most people see me

it’s a balancing act of staring
at the warm orange
end of the sunset
while walking off
the edge of the street

I hope you get enough sunlight

bailing out when it gets too hard
I stare at the doorway
step outside
look up at the pines
I’m not apart of it
never will be
he told me
he would
do anything to spend
another night with her
made me feel
stronger there
is no breaking
another night
with her
the only place to ask
if they’re
falling out
become accustomed to
hearing these placeholder
digs lifting
me
hovering over
the cerulean blue couch

vivid dream activity

not even death has to be a disaster
death can just be an illusory smell
that stays in the nostrils weeks after
something traumatic happens to your body
an unexplainable wrench
no one will understand when
you ask ‘do you smell that decay’
but then you remember a time that
where you had your face pressed
up to death
non happenings stick
quarantine has dismantled time
the space between life and death
has now become the
infinite version of it still
we all feel it
we’ve all been bashed inside

watch me shower

how many ways can I show
you that I don’t care
I reappear and tell you
you mean nothing to me
all of the people that I meet along
the way
are better than you
how many disappearing acts
do you have to manifest
to show you
once and for all
that I only
need you for shelter
food
an old iphone
this oily hair and hands
casted with paint only
want to use you
do not wait around for
a love letter
or an apology
I will reappear
holding my shoulders
and a new scar
carrying all of the chaos
mind if I unload here for a while

22222

h e
likes to talk to his plants
with the fumes of sweet nothings
and the ticking hand on his watch
that’s the way he likes to
gaze at me too
at least but we’re only mid date
I only just settled into my
seat and took off my jacket
I tried to find the hook for my jacket
somewhere under the waning crescent
lit on the bottom
The only source of light
an upside down moon
it turned into nothing in
turned into nothing
I won nothing and lost nothing

do the hike first

knowing you is kind of like knowing only the face
and the name
seeing the person
a flashy and vacant appearance
where I can only see the gleaming wet pavement
and a heart pounding
surrounded by lack of attention
or authenticity
in time in time
things will take and take
a person may seem nice at first Shiny,
they will never hurt you
but then they take off their mask
and there’s another one, and another mask,
emotional availability is
the only promise
I just stare and wait to see a real face
but only receive a
sneak preview of a person
a sneak preview of the most perfect person
and a subpar plan
every weekend of the season
o be cut short
and goes nowhere
falling down the stairs
and it goes nowhere

in

I’m pulling the emergency brake on this car
it going backwards at a full speed
down the steepest hill
I’m in a space between who I used to be
and who I want to be
finally there
is a balance
I’m wearing the same
lack of color
a few weeks ago I was convinced
that I had murdered a friend
from the past
there was guilt that
I was carrying
grief
I spent an entire day searching
the internet for the way that
she died until
I found the article that states that
she was hit by a car
21 and enthusiastic about her education

free

everytime that I think it’s a good idea
I remember to look at the area where
the skin is illuminated
bright pink
it’s tiny and raw piece of skin
that doesn’t Belong to my hand
it’s someone else’s
I didn’t notice when it happened
it grows larger
as I lose my tan from last year
in contrast
with the gray skies
it’s the first thing that
a stranger sees