I’m trying to pinpoint
the source of my suffering
my protruding collar bones
are sensing something
my lack of appetite
as i walk on the crunchy leaves towards
the early evening autumn light
around the corner to my car, hear you say bye babe
I said bye at least
hopefully it ‘s that the last time
you’ll see me
the other day on the car ride to the grocery store
you were speaking on the phone to your mom
she asked who you’re cooking for
you made sure to not name me
I’m nonexistent transparent solely
a breath fogging the passenger seat
she also asked if your people
got back, as in you were cooking
for the woman you’re working for
your shoes are under her bed
I don’t believe you
here is a present to
the girl whose ring I
pawned I slipped
of her right hand
I put her back together
painted the back of her
she wasn’t looking
I went to visit my mother in Florida
she greeted me with a scar on
her forehead from when she
claims to have fallen while gardening
I told her that it looks like harry potters scar
there’s a lot of pain associated
with that scar
I can tell
her teeth are also missing
but that’s not new
half of her mouth is teeth
she says that it’s normal,
that’s what happens when you’re old
but she’s only 60 years old i tell her
when I arrived the dog greeted
my cat slowly looked back at me
it all felt like a distant sense of home for a solid
the same waves of sadness would come
and I left mute
I seemed to have lost the magic along the way. Perhaps it was stuffed in an old green backpack, lost somewhere in upstate New York and covered in leaves from several years ago. It doesn’t really matter when your in a new place or in mountain town. I’m making friends with the people I have known in a different lifetime. But still I feel like I lost something along the way.
Everyone is on a journey to a different country. I’m in a new place but still looking for that new country. Experience, yes, that is what I have acquired. Observation helps, like the observation I made of a temporary lover. That’s all I did actually. I watched him. I watched him as I let him into my house. He would tornado around my room and kitchen and then ask to use my bathroom. Announcing profound romance but not looking at me in the eye. I would watch the blood stains on his shirts. What’s crazy is the amount of effort he would put in to hide a major part of himself. The worst part, the addictive manipulative part. He wanted to keep that close. Let it shine. Let some air in. He’s cornered in the bathroom holding onto the thing that he has grown accustomed to and the ritual he would die for.
I’m sitting with the
dog on the kitchen floor
the walls in this house
are sand timers
slow moving honey
it stops for a second
as I look at the reflection
of me and the dog
in the background is
singing out of joy
it’s hard to tell
but its heavy and delusional
moans and groans
a heavy head
a heavy chest through
paralysis on both ends
lines …I’ll make lines
that I’m showering
we both pretend he’s showering
tie the belt real tight
the shower water is running
pulse at my feet
and an orange sky
in silence and solitude I remember
what happened yesterday
beautiful in all of
your self imposed toxicity
that I never let touch me
bringing me back
into the human race
I came back from the bathroom
to find you gasping for air
blue lips open eyes
feet on the floor
you OD’d on my bed
a sinking feeling Lost last
unlocked jaw open I pour air into
a body and see
your lungs rise
your chest everything
evidence that a soul exists
the cops revived you with narcan
you yelled and scratched yourself back
I watched with one eye open from the kitchen
with nine lives you floated
back to standing
I’m never letting you in again
1.Take a day to avoid all human contact. Turning off your phone is a crucial part of this step. You want to embark in a day of pure ignorance and disconnection. Trust me, as much as you will hate missing all of the posts about drug wars, high school friends having babies, and the overall cruelty of the world, this is for your own sanity.
2.Draw yourself a bubble bath. The warm water will cradle your heartbroken body, making you forget, even if for just a minute, all of the hopelessness in the world.
3.Read a book in the bath, but not any book. Choose one with plenty of contemporary poetry. Then read a few lines and begin to relieve your past traumas. Attach the trauma to the poems. This is a time for feeling.
4.Cry on your way to and from work. You’re existing in a late capitalistic society while working a low skill hourly job that you have zero passion for. You are constantly bombarded with the realization that you will never completely wipe out all of your student debt. I don’t know, just cry.
5.Take a walk. The fresh air, sunlight, and flowers will help you through this process. You are the flowers. The flowers are you.
6.Pick a few flowers from this walk and put them in a vase. Place the vase in your bathroom or stove top. They will die the next day but remember everything is temporary.
7.Help someone in need. Whether it’s a friend, lover, or stranger, community support is crucial in times like these.
8.Even if you have zero artistic ability, make art, make bad art. Make lots of bad art. This will keep you open while allowing you to process all of the injustice that you encounter.
9.On a sunny and hot summers day, roll down a grassy hill. After that, take yourself to the local artistnal donut shop and eat a donut. This is joy.
10.Call your mom. You’ve missed her calls this past week. Remember that she Venmo’s you $50 every few weeks for no apparent reason. Call her and tell her that you love her.
11.Create a morning ritual. Whether it’s journaling a few pages as soon as you wake up or making your favorite tea; routine will create the illusion that everything is in order. This is also a great way to have something to return to when it’s all chaos. The world is burning but at least you are calmly taking sips of chai tea while it’s happening.
12.Spend your Tuesday afternoons birdwatching. If you see the same bird twice, say hi.
13.Find a therapist. Sure, you have to pay them to listen to you, but they will be your biggest fan during any weird transitional period in your life. They will also help you get over your fear of knives.
14.Hug more. Hug your friends, acquaintances, lovers, coworkers, pets. Hug objects, trees, your bed. Spend the day hugging everyone and everything that you encounter.