last color

I’m resigning from
my position as mud
I remember the greener
grass and warmer
sunny day fondly

walking through the old
brick paved
paths that no longer
exist
be a summer that
no one enjoys

I don’t feel like I’m living
the whole day
it’s sunset now

but i want to feel it all
I want to remember every chirp
and color
but i’m staring at a bruise on
my hand
making sure that my resentment
doesn’t show through
I’m waking up late
and making pancakes for myself

I’m thinking of the next thing
I’m thinking of being here
I need to be here
I’m tugging my new dogs
collar to train him to walk
politely by my side

I’m pretending to not
be overwhelmed by the
lack of intimacy
with my partner
pretending to be ok with
being so close to someone
but also farther away then
most people see me

it’s a balancing act of staring
at the warm orange
end of the sunset
while walking off
the edge of the street

avoidance dance

We sat across from each other
or maybe I was standing
but ,
you,
were definitely sitting

with the heaviest feet
grounded on the floor
arms on the arm rests
as if to say this is my chair
and I’m not going anywhere

you get up and leave the room
after I look at you

and then the pattern repeats

we haven’t even met yet

The last sip of coffee is usually cold

Today I am wearing a sweater,
leggings, and clogs.
I will create the November,
that should have happened last.
My coffee is in a mug,
to temporarily forget that plastic exists.
College aged girls are studying,
reminding me sweetly
of my failed experience.

I am sweating profusely, it’s 90 degrees
and humid, why am i wearing this?
This mug only
results in extra work for the barista.
They probably hate the people
who use their mugs.
Why did drop out?
Can I actually make it without a degree?
Well it’s not my fault that I went crazy.
My mind doesn’t work the way I want it to.